By Aedan Perry November 25, 2024
Photo Credit: Aedan Perry / The ASP
Shreds of paper and book bindings littered the floor of the University Library last week after a promotional gone terribly wrong.
Signage at the front of the library directed students to "save a turkey; feast on books"— a joke in reference to the high price of the Thanksgiving bird that has in the past led many students to seek out their holiday birds from the black market located in the basement of the Physical Education Building at 5:27 a.m. every other Tuesday.
Unfortunately for the library, many students took this as an indication that books were now fair game to be eaten, which some of them found with great relief in."
"I was on the verge of running out of Discount Dollars," said Junior Charlotte McBaggins, ripping a big chunk out of The MLA Manual of Style, "So I greatly appreciate the library stepping in and helping out students like me in our time of need. I can get at least a week out of the food here!"
Many students have been lacking when it comes to picking up the tattered remains of their gluttony, much to the chagrin of library janitor Emmett Johnson.
"I understand people enjoy having food in the library," Johnson said, "I've eaten a book or two myself when I'm off duty, but you've got to pick up after yourself. Even if you are thinking 'this book is about garbage collection, so clearly someone else is interested in cleaning up after me', that's no excuse to clutter up the aisles. We have recycling bins for a reason, you know!"
After hearing this, a student then proceeded to chuck a 20-pound encyclopedia at Johnson, who is now away on medical leave pending a minor operation.
This whole saga came as a bit of a shock to Chris Stephens, who has been a publicity manager for the library for over 20 years and recently lost an eye in a fight while trying to prevent a student from eating a vintage copy of Treasure Island.
"Ye wanted to talk to me about the book-eaters?" asked Stephens. "Foolish scallywags, that's what they be! Trying to eat a copy of me favorite book! If they are hungry, they should follow a map over to the dining halls— food is priceless, but reading is a treasure of a different kind, ye know?"
Stephens has urged the University to punish those caught eating books by making them "walk the plank"— a bit of a challenge, considering that UAlbany filled in their pool in 2021, claiming the costs of running it weren't worth it considering how few users it had. In the meantime, he has hired guards to patrol the shelves, occasionally catching students such as Sophomore Wyatt Anderson off guard.
"I only came here because I heard someone mention a luncheon," Anderson complained, "but The Grapes of Wrath doesn't taste like a grape at all. It's all soggy and paper-y, so if anyone should be punished it's the chefs that run this failed establishment."
In a cruel twist, Anderson was sentenced by a library tribunal to buy them all Thanksgiving Dinner, which people have complained is just another case of library overreach. As a result #FreeBookEaterAnderson signs have started popping up all over campus recently, although they are usually taken down by library agents within the hour.
Stephens has said that he regrets that such serious action has to be taken, but it's ultimately necessary to protect the books that UAlbany researchers find so important.
"I know that turkeys are hard to find, When I was a privateer for the Canadian Navy, me and th' crew often had to raid Spanish merchant vessels just to get our hands on one of those blasted birds, and some of us lost an ear or a leg in the process. If ye think yer going to get around that by eating our books though, we are gonna make you see just how much those birds mean to us."
At press time, library leadership could be found making turkey paper mache from the remains of some of the books, in the hopes that it might be a more affordable option.
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