By Jelisa Gonzalez | October 14, 2024
Photo Credit: Pixabay
I would like to think that time does not pass. That the trees I look at from outside my window aren’t abruptly changing in hue from green to red. That my dark brown roots aren’t all of a sudden making a comeback, though I’ve spent the last two years dying my hair. The last two years, forcing me to reevaluate who I am and what I stand for within and outside myself.
What I have come to understand is that self reflection doesn’t mean anything if you haven’t changed. Epiphanies and harrowing emotions do not mean anything if you haven’t taken the time to understand the place they hold in your life.
I understand that I hold an unextinguished fear of myself and everything around me. That cracks in the crevices of my mind only get deeper the more I open up.
The more I open up, the more I understand reality is not to be feared. Our perception of reality can make or break us. A perception that can shatter our hopes of future achievements by a simple convincing of our minds wildest illusions.
I understand the neurotic nature of fear, the more I get up and turn my back on it. Projects unfinished, ideas swept under the rug, emotions left unfelt are victims of my self doubt. Of my inability to squash nonsensical scenarios because that is what I’ve convinced myself of as reality.
As I twiddle my fingers over my keyboard and listen to the hum of my air conditioner clearing my space of a sliver of heat, I am reminded of the many faces I have been to get to this point in my life. The two years I’ve spent venturing along in my early adulthood. The people in my orbit and knowing my pull is strong. Knowing that I can ask for help if I need it. Always learning about myself through my treatment and understanding of others. Reminding myself that I am lucky to be the way that I am and to be treated with such reverence.
I cough into the nook of my black gap sweater and sway my foot that’s hanging off my bed from side to side, wondering how to end my thoughts. But, I can’t. They’re never ending and the voice I’m narrating this piece with will remain. I will remain. I am growing.
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